That moment when you wake up inside an action movie but aren't sure which role you're playing? Say no more. We better get to the bottom of this and fast: the fate of the entire planet may be riding on it.
Are you a divorced man in his mid-thirties with a checkered past? Did your job destroy your marriage and put a strain on your relationship with your two children, ages 13 and 9? Are you of only average intelligence but still able to brainstorm a witty comeback for anything people say to you?
Well the good news, then, is you're The Hero, and that means you're going to survive this thing, repair your relationships, and walk away with all the credit. The bad news, however, is that in the meantime, you're going to have the complete shit kicked out of you until you're covered in your own blood and using an AK-47 for a crutch. Seriously, they're at least going to break your arm or something. Play your cards right and you just might end up doing this whole all over again two years from now with a bigger budget and a shittier plot.
Are you a 50-year-old foreigner with a heavy accent who can't let go of a grudge? Do you have access to highly secure information or know how to obtain some? Are your plans currently being foiled by a single renegade soldier whom you've had several opportunities to kill but failed because you spent too much time taunting him with clever insults and details about your back story?
Then you, sir, are The Villain, and it just isn't your day. Sure your plan looked solid for a while there, but then you had to overlook that one tiny detail and now look at yourself. Your crew is on the verge of mutiny, the countdown for the nuclear bomb you're attempting to launch is bound to stop at one, and there's a 99 percent chance that do-gooder you hate will be smoking a victory cigar over your decapitated corpse within the hour. Yeah, definitely not your day. Oh well, serves you right for killing off that totally innocent supporting actor everyone knew was doomed since the opening credits, scumbag!
Are you an attractive woman in her twenties who's constantly escaping certain death? Do you keep bumping into a mysterious stranger you just met earlier this morning? Could you survive an explosion-filled, day-long hostage situation and still walk away with perfect hair and makeup?
Then here's to you, action movie Love Interest: your uncanny ability to look like a supermodel under ANY situation and to fall madly in love with men you barely know makes you invulnerable to the thugs currently threatening to murder you, as mere seconds before they attempt to do just that your knight in shining armor will come swooping in to rescue you. By fighting them in hand-to-hand combat, that is, not by just walking up and shooting them, even though the latter would be much more convenient and frankly not very hard to pull off either. Just go with it.
Are you a trusted employee of someone rich and powerful? Do you feel undercompensated for your years of service? Is every word out of your mouth a bold face lie accompanied by a devilish smirk that any sane person would find incredibly suspicious?
Well there's no easy way to say this, fictitious movie dweller, but you're The Traitor, and that really, really sucks. Long story short: everyone hates you and they're not going to rest until The Hero catches on to your scheme, shuts it down, and permanently removes that shit-eating grin from your face in the process. Kill yourself now.
Are you an awkward dork with super-intelligence no one seems to recognize? Are you currently having trouble convincing anyone the brilliant solution you've concocted for the disaster at hand will work, even though you've scientifically proven that it will? When you're working out a problem in your head, do you also mumble the play-by-play for each step quietly to yourself?
Then break out the champagne, Poindexter! You're The Genius, and when it comes to getting trapped inside a run-of-the-mill action flick, that's about as good as it gets. For one thing, your totally outlandish, totally impractical so-called "plan" is going to end up saving the goddamn world, so kudos for that, plus you don't even really have to do any of the work yourself--just tell The Hero what to do and he'll take it from there. Also, you might end up overcoming your social anxiety and landing a girlfriend in the process. Also, you're probably c. Keep up the good work, Jeff!
Are you wearing a military uniform with about 75% of the surface area covered by stars and badges? Is your default response to any terrorist threat to bomb first and ask questions later? Do you speak in two volumes: unpleasant hard-ass and TOTAL INSUFFERABLE DICKHEAD?
At ease, General Asshole: you might end up giving yourself a heart attack from all the stress you're about to experience, but you'll make it out okay in the end. One side note, however--The Hero, the guy you've been clashing with the whole time over whose plan is better? Yeah, he's definitely going to win that argument and make you look like a fool in front of everyone. OK JUST CALM DOWN. Things could be worse, you know. You could be one of those nameless goons who only exist to make The Hero look like a bad ass when he kills a thousand of them in a row without even trying. What do you call those guys again?
Are you a scruffy-looking outsider wearing riot gear and casually patrolling a hallway in a predictable pattern? Are similarly dressed men doing the same exact same thing just around the corner? Do you communicate solely by walkie-talkie?
Then think fast, anonymous action movie Henchman: every second you're still alive is a bona fide miracle, and unless the opening credits still happen to be rolling you probably don't have very many of them left. Don't bother trying to defend yourself, as you could unload your entire clip point blank in The Hero's skull and he'd still walk away unscathed, and whatever you do, don't even think about trying to locate the source of that strange whistling noise you just heard from the other room. Wait a minute, what are you doing? Didn't we just talk about this? At least have one of your buddies go with you so he can't just calmly sneak up behind you when you least exp.....NOOOOOOOOOO!
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